When I was younger I had a lesbian friend, haven’t seen her in years. One night we had a conversation about a one-nighter she had. She knew this girl socially, and they had been drinking and went back to her place. They had all kinds of sex. The next day, the girl wouldn’t return her calls, and she got shit from a mutual friend about how she had abused the girl. My friend was mystified. She said she is always careful about consent and had repeatedly asked if she could x, or if she could y.
The crux of this little story is, my friend was in her late twenties, and the girl in question was 18.
I told her: You did a bad thing.
She was seriously upset by this.
I said, you can’t go to town on someone that young. You are older, they are going to look up to you and want to please you. They will agree to all sorts of things they are probably not ready for.
This is not to say that all 18 year olds are fragile flowers, but in my opinion, when there is an age difference, the older person has to err on the side of not being a selfish jerk.
My friend asked me, if she should try and apologize. I told her, only if you get the opportunity. If the girl doesn’t ever want to see you again, then you don’t get that privilege. An apology should be about the person you are apologizing to, not about you.
Does regret make it rape? Does any amount of alcohol? Can women rape? I’m not denying rape exists, and I’m not saying it is not a serious problem we have to face as a society, but I do think people tend to oversimplify.
Koss undertook a survey whereby she arrived at the one-in-four figure. To get there, Koss mischaracterized responses. For example, 73% of those she characterized as rape victims said they had not been raped. And 43% of the alleged victims said they had continued to date their alleged rapists. Nevertheless, the one-in-four meme took hold. The survey was published in Ms Magazine in 1987 and “took the universities by storm,” producing what can rightly be termed a rape-culture industry: expensive, over-staffed rape-crisis centres, hotlines, rallies, conferences, sexual-assault procedures consultancies and inter-collegiate sexual-assault networks.
I’m sure there are lots of people who think I should just shut up and listen. I’m a straight white male, after all. What do I know about it?
I can’t say I have ever been raped.
On the other hand, I can count 3 times in my life(and I’m not proud of it) when I have woken up next to someone, I would never have consented to sleep with, sober. I’ve never done crack in my drunken stupors, but sex I don’t remember… and could not possibly have consented to… has happened to me.
I can’t say I have ever been raped. But if I was a woman… would I be wrong to say that?
Should I have reported these women to the police?
I doubt anyone would have taken it seriously.
For me, its just…. embarrassing.
I mean, I’m a privileged white male, I should just shut up and listen to real victims. I’m the oppressor. I deserve what I get?
Or am I the victim of a patriarchal culture that defines me as the aggressor, by default?
I’m sure I don’t know.